Hurt.

One year ago, I hurt so much. It was like someone had gone in and ripped a piece of my heart out and then decided to put it back and leave it in my chest to cause more hurt. I couldn’t eat for a while. The days after, there were moments. Waves hitting me hard, then flowing away and leaving me numb. My roommates were my support system for a good while, and working helped take my mind off of it along with my heart and guts. And I could forget for a few moments.

I’ve healed so much since this day one year ago. I’ve been able to put my heart back together, but I still hurt.

The weeks and months leading up to that day was like a runaway train, pushing and fuming to its inevitable end. It’s true we had good moments, and I cherish those so much. I wonder where it all went wrong, but nothing truly went wrong. No one is really to blame. People grow. Sometimes they grow together, sometimes they outgrow each other or overgrow one each other, and sometimes they grow apart.

But I still hurt. I still think that if we had been together, we could have grown together, but being apart made everything harder. I still think that you cared for me, but I was in a bad place at that time, as I am every year around this time. And you didn’t have the skills or the time to care for me the way I needed to be cared for. I think I still resent you for that, but you aren’t to blame. I should let these feelings go.

A year has changed so much, and I truly think I’m in a better place. I want to say that I’ve moved on and in many ways I have. Many things have changed about me. But many things I wish would have changed haven’t changed. I still care for you, I still wonder what you’re doing and if you’re thinking of me. If the last year meant anything to you; if it meant as much to you as it did to me.

And I still hurt. These thoughts I’m thinking, they need to stop. Enough now; enough you. You drained so much energy from me. You tore me down, piece by piece. I could have done so many more things, been so many more things. But you’re not to blame. I let you do this to me, I let this happen to me. But no more, enough now I say.

I want to be better. Damn it, I will be.

I will let today hurt. I’ll let the emotions succumb, but just for one day. And then I will put it all away, and I will be better, and I will become a greater person than I was with you. You will be too. Because you are not the person that hurt me last year, you are the person you are today, and I will not resent the person you are today.

I won’t hurt anymore.

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Earlier this evening, my friend confided in me that her grandfather passed away. I'm praying for her, her family, her grandfather. I'm also praying that she keeps her strength, her innocence, her love for the world. Days like today can change a person, and I hope for goodness sake that this day showers her with love as she deals with all the emotions that comes with such a sorrowful passing. Please keep her in your thoughts, along with all the people you have loved and lost <3